Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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