I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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