Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
