can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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