Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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