I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
