im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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