it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
