woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
