The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
