I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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