Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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