You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
