3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
