Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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