so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
