I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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