handjob tips. give me some.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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