Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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