Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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