I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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