If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
