We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
