Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
