My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
