I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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