We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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