You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
