My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
