I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
