There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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