i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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