We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
