when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
