I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
