she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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