it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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