My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
