i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
as a side note pls kill me
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
