Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
