the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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