maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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