Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
