dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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