I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
