Me too!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
