I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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