I am midnight drunk by noon
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
