If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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