Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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