I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
