And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
