I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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