so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
