I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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