The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
